Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
