i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
