someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
