People in love make me want to vomit
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
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