wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize