You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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