the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
