I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
His nipple licking is glorious
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