turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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