nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
