I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
