I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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