bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
