he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
