I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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