I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
