I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
