I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
