I think my vagina is haunted
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
