i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
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