How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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