i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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