I'm sorry my penis didn't work
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
