How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
