i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
