Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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