if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
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Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
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I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
so much tequila, so little girl.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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