her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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