How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
