there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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