my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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