dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
