Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
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