I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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