This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
