Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
