Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Randomize
