$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
