I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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