Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
