i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
