I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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