Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Randomize
