I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
