If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
