i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
