and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
