Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
