Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I will pee on everything he values.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
