I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
