ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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