Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
