im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
