My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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