escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
